Episodes of my podcast series: 99 - a Weekly 9-Minute Spiritual Journey
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99

Rediscovering God through Your Desire

This entry is part 5 of 33 in the series 99: a journey

In Arabic there is this word, Ya Wadud, which translates as Divine love. To me, this kind of love is the most powerful, least disguised, and even a little scary. The kind of love this is talking about includes sexual intimacy. (I know, right?!). If you’re like me, using the words sex and love and the divine in the same sentence feels a little off limits. I mean, growing up in European-centered culture, the divine is code for “God” and whether I believe this or not, the face of God is culturally programmed to be an old white guy with a beard. Eww. Let’s back up for a minute. This series isn’t about God – especially the old white one. It’s about you. We’re exploring these traits in each of *us* and how they inform the way we interact with the world. So, this love – this sexual longing and hunger. Let’s spend a moment with Rumi, one of the great Sufi mystics and masters, who wrote: Desire I desire youmore than foodand drink My bodymy sensesmy mindhunger for your taste I can sense your presencein my heartalthough you belongto all the world I waitwith silent passionfor one gestureone glancefrom you” Have you ever felt this kind of longing? I have. It feels intoxicating and dangerous and scary, but in a thrilling way—like you might just throw it all away for one chance- for a moment with the object of your desire. The scary part, for me, is wondering – “what if I did throw everything I’d ever worked for away for this moment… AND IT WAS WORTH IT? What then? One moment of love and passion so intense that it’s worth everything? Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Ya Wadud is about tapping into that energy – connecting with it, rather than pushing it away. What if you could have that moment of love? Of lust? Of connecton so powerful, it sweeps you away? …and you didn’t have to give anything away. Except Your heart? See why this is scary stuff? Here’s another poem by Mewlana Jelaladin Rumi: Be helpless, dumbfounded, Unable to say yes or no. Then a stretcher will come from grace To gather us up. We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty If we say we can, we’re lying. If we say No, we don’t see it, That “No” will behead us And shut tight our window onto spirit. So let us rather not be sure of anything, Besides ourselves, and only that, so Miraculous beings come running to help. Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute, We shall be saying finally, With tremendous eloquence, Lead us. When we have totally surrendered to that beauty, We shall be a mighty kindness. At this point, my friend, are you hopelessly confused, or uncomfortable or intrigued? Good. That’s one of the invitations Ya-Wadud has for us. What does it mean to surrender to the deepest, most primal emotions inside us? What would it be like to allow ourselves to REALLY feel all the emotions that live in the deep, dark places we don’t want anyone to see? Love. A love so sweet, and so unconditional, that it knows. It knows all the things that human beings have ever been ashamed of. It knows all the things you’ve ever longed for. And it’s still there. Waiting patiently for you to open yourself and let it out.  Rumi says that “when we have totally surrendered to that beauty, we shall be a mighty kindness.” Do you think he knew that the more we’re able to love ourselves unconditionally – the kinder we become toward others too? Do you think he knew that you long for – hunger that person? and that this hunger is a normal and natural thing, perfectly worthy of being loved too? What if, instead of trying to control our emotions, and viewing them as a sign of weakness…. what if you were able to let them flow and FEEL their power. Be mindful if you are in a position of power over someone. This is not permission to harm. Rather, it’s an invitation to welcome ALL of you, and one piece of this lesson is about relationship: exploring, and inviting, and accessing this intimate, profound, and powerful connection to the divine IN YOU – through another person. It’s also about accessing this connection in THEM… My friend, a spark of the divine lives in YOU. It lives in each of us. This is an invitation to get out of your own head, and experience the divine with all your senses… sight, smell, taste, touch, sound. I have one more quote for you. This time from the historian and activist Howard Thurman who said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. Because what the world needs, is more people who have come alive.” The body is more than a vehicle to carry the mind around. It is also a sacred temple of great joys and a pathway to the very heights of your being. Welcome home.  Series Navigation<< Wake Up to the Abundance All Around You!Some Advice from Job about your Suffering >>

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99

How to Never Run Out of Love

This entry is part 29 of 33 in the series 99: a journey

I want YOU to want ME. That’s a great song by the band Cheap Trick. It’s also the source of so much misery I can hardly believe it. Those words may be the source of anything that’s wrong with us as a society. Ok. I might be exaggerating a little, I’m also serious. See this week’s episode gets its start from the qualities behind the word, Al Mu’izz, and I’m using a translation of that word that means something like “giver of praise or self-esteem.” It’s one of the 99 names of the divine and it’s talking about a quality of G-d that gives us self-esteem. If you’re new to this series, you may not know that I never make assumptions about what you believe – or If a belief in a God has any part of what keeps you going. Whatever you believe, where does your assurance and comfort and self-esteem come from? Have you always felt confident and assured from as far back as you can remember? Are you a compulsive pleaser—needing to be liked at almost any cost? Are you defensive and guarded—just sure that people will hurt you if you give them a chance? Think about where those parts of your personality come from—where they got their start. It’s possible you were just born lonely, or confident, or whatever. And it’s also possible that part of this is a sort of programming, from your earliest time in this life. Maybe it was a mother figure, although not everyone has one of those. Maybe it was a group that made you feel secure and loved. Maybe your religion or spirituality is such that you can feel the love of a god. I’m convinced that we’re all just searching for someone to love us. Now sure, that may be overgeneralizing just a little, but think about it – this seeking of external validation -could explain a LOT. It could have something to do with a divorce rate that seems so high. If two people decide to marry young, before they’re fully figured out who they are, there’s a good chance that at least one of them will be seeking approval and love and validation from someone other than themselves. This might be fine if it’s not the *only* source of love and validation, but what if it *is*? It could have something to do with the rate of addiction we face: Drugs, alcohol, social media, food, sex, video games, religion — all are things that can provide pleasure. If our relationships with these things are healthy, they can be part of an overall picture that works. What about when we use them to make up for something that’s missing, though? What about when we feel out of balance though? When there’s something missing – like a giant hole in us that we can’t seem to fill, no matter what we put in it? For me, it was – and is – an addiction to work. I used to work 70 or 80 hours a week, moving up the corporate ladder. I learned that I could be successful in that environment, and the rewards felt good. Money, recognition, promotions, nice cars, a big house, and the trappings of success. At some point, though, I recognized that I was out of balance. Instead of being my own source of self-worth, I found ways to be useful enough to *other* people, that they would then tell me how great I was, or how nice, or how smart, etc. I eventually figured out, though, that this was just a way of distracting myself from the uncomfortable truth. I didn’t know how to love myself – how to find a wellspring of worth, and hope, and value INSIDE me. I never knew that there was a way to find a deeper and inexhaustible supply of love and praise that was always there – and I could access whenever I wanted! Now don’t get me wrong- I don’t suggest you quit your perfectly good job and sell all your belongings and set out on a pilgrimage of the soul like I did five years ago. In fact, I’d recommend against it. While I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything, I can tell you that the answer I was looking for all this time was right there all along. Also – it’s not as if I have life all figured out… Hot Mess is my middle name. But I’m learning how to be okay with hot mess – in fact, I’m learning to LOVE it… because it’s MY hot mess, and I’m learning to love ME. What’s yours? Have you found the source of your own strength and courage? – the one that you carry with you and that never runs out? Are you still in search of it? Or maybe you haven’t even thought about it until now. Whatever the case, remember – we humans are meant to be in relationship with each other. We NEED each other. At the same time, it all starts with you. If you can’t love yourself and have to try to meet that need from OUTSIDE you, it may never work. If that’s the case, I send you comfort. But you can send you comfort too. In unlimited amounts, any time you wish. You just need to find the keys to that castle inside you. Series Navigation<< The Antidote to Your Inner CriticWTF? >>

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99

Some Advice from Job about your Suffering

This entry is part 6 of 33 in the series 99: a journey

This week’s message is just for you if you’ve ever wondered why bad things happen to good people. It’s inspired by the Arabic Ya-Adl, meaning something like just mercy, but in a meta sense that also is about balance, and flow, and a sort of cosmic or divine evening out of things that are way beyond our ability to grasp. Here’s a quote by Paulo Coelho from his book, By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept: “Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments — but all of this is transitory it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.” Those words are comforting to me. Are they to you? “One day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.” I believe that I should NEVER tell someone else how they should feel about an experience—how to grieve, or when pain or loss translate to suffering. Although Paolo Coelho does exactly that in his book, and I want to think all suffering has meaning, if you’re suffering, that’s something only you can decide. I want to share a story about justice, about mercy, and about suffering. Many years ago, when I was in my late teens, I worked long hours as a locksmith. By the way, if there’s one person in this world who gets to see people in their lowest moments, it’s a chaplain. Standing nearby, though, is a locksmith. That’s for another day though. On this hot, August afternoon in the Midwestern United States, I had just finished working outside for twelve or thirteen hours in unbelievable heat of around ninety-five degrees Fahrenheit and eighty-five or ninety percent humidity. I was hot, dirty, and exhausted. All I could think of was getting home to shower, change clothes, and cool off in the air-conditioning. Stuck in a traffic jam, I was already frustrated when another driver in a light-blue sedan cut in front of me in order to make a left turn through the traffic jam. I exploded in rage, yelling and cursing out the window and flying a one-fingered salute as the driver pushed through and disappeared down a side street. About five minutes later, I was beginning to forget about the incident when I heard the screech of braking tires on pavement and became aware out of the side of my vision that this familiar-looking blue car had slid to a stop beside me. My windows were already down because I didn’t have AC, and I’ll never forget the driver’s face as he rolled down his window and lifted a pistol up to rest on the opening. The nickel-colored pistol was pointed directly at me and the man said, “do you want to live?” “I’m sorry,” I said. I’m just trying to get home. I watched the muzzle of the weapon quiver almost imperceptibly back and forth. It was like it was a part of him, and the whole package—the man AND the weapon—was animated with a rage so powerful, that I can still feel it. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a handful of seconds, the man pulled the weapon back down and said, “you be careful how you act. You never know what somebody’s been through. You just might not make it home.” He drove off and left me alone with my nerves. What I remember most about that day was wondering just what it would take for ME to reach that point. I’ve never been all that religious, but for some reason, I thought about the stories from the Hebrew Bible of Job and all his suffering. Was I suffering? Yes, I certainly thought so. Was this man suffering? Almost surely, he was – or he had before to lead up to that moment. Years later, I watched the movie “Crash,” starring Don Cheadle and it instantly made me think of this man. In the movie, tons of seemingly random and tragic events are masterfully stitched together in ways you would never expect. Seemingly evil characters are shown in a different light in that movie. I imagine that the man driving that car was kind of a modern-day Job. In fact, maybe that’s what I’ll call him from now on. “The day I met Job.” Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good people do bad things? Is there such a thing as a bad person or a good one? Or are we all just here, living this life from one choice to the next choice, following a path that’s already decided? Whichever you think it is, I wish you well. And when you’re late to pick up your child from daycare and cut me off, I hope I remember that each of us is Job at one time or another and to show mercy. You never know what battles someone else had to fight just to be here. That day didn’t turn into tragedy, but it could have. If he had pulled that trigger, would my suffering have had meaning? I don’t know. It’s easy to vilify him and declare outrage and say that he should be punished for this crime. It’s easy for me to see myself feeling hatred for him. But what if he had already been punished BEFORE he did this? What if his suffering was already happening? What if Job’s God had forsaken him and he had nothing left to live for so that when this snotty privileged white kid insulted him, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Series Navigation<< Rediscovering God through Your DesireThe One Person You Must Meet >>

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99

The Antidote to Your Inner Critic

This entry is part 28 of 33 in the series 99: a journey

This episode of 99 is bright and happy. Are you ready? You’re not smart enough. If you’d only try harder you’d get ahead. Why did you do such a stupid thing? I told you that being a teacher was a bad idea. You’ll never be… Oh wait. That was my internal critic talking to me… could you hear that too? Ehem… This week we’re talking about the Forgiver…. From one of the Arabic names for the Divine – Ya Ghaffar. I’m told that this name shares linguistic roots with beeswax – a substance that gets used as a salve or like a soothing lotion for dried, cracked skin. If your internal critic is anything like mine, dried and cracked is a pretty good way to describe the effect it can have on me, so I love this notion of an antidote. What is it about forgiveness that makes it easier for us to forgive someone else than ourselves sometimes… not always? One book that I often turn to when I’m writing these episodes is called “Physicians of the Heart: A Sufi view of the 99 names of Allah. About this name, it says that the kind of forgiveness of Al Ghaffar is inexhaustible and repetitive. Inexhaustible and repetitive. Exactly like my own criticism – only – better! Thinking about that special beeswax salve that shares the same name is kind of lovely, actually. I remember an old baseball glove I had when I was a kid. When I first got it, it was very hard leather. I spent an entire winter getting it ready for the coming baseball season by oiling it, binding it up tightly with a baseball inside it, and basically massaging it every day to make it soft and conform perfectly to me. That old saying, “it fits like a glove” – well yeah. After all that care, that glove was soft and moved in just the right way, and it was an extension of ME. Think about a forgiveness – that you have access to give yourself – that works in this way. No matter how unkind you are to yourself, no matter what you’ve done, or whatever the regret, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to invoke this healing balm? This poem is often attributed to Rumi: “Come, come whoever you are… wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Even if you have broken your vows a hundred times. Come, yet again come.” How can you NOT be moved by those words? Rumi, or whoever wrote that, was talking about forgiveness and finding your way back to Allah’s love. I’m not here to talk about anyone else’s love – I’m talking about your self-love. Maybe Rumi’s meaning and mine are really the same, or maybe not. But don’t forget to be your own biggest fan. I’m fairly certain you are your own biggest critic as well, so it’s only fair, right? Don’t be boastful, or fake, or obnoxious. Just be kind. To yourself. Practice putting forgiveness on the wounds that your own harsh thoughts have caused. Heal the cracks in your soul and allow it to soften until you’re comfortable in it. Feel how your soul is really YOU – at the deepest level….. how every thought you have, and fear you have and every action you take shapes you. Just like that baseball glove, be mindful of what you put on your spirit. Be mindful of how you treat it. The other day, when I was working at a hospital and was checking in on a family who had a very sick child, I could see how the kiddo was in bad shape, but was the center of attention. This person was the focus of so much love and care, it was astounding. At the same time, the parents were being so hard on themselves. They blamed themselves for not being able to make it better for their little one. I could just feel the inner critics of both these beautiful, concerned people tearing them apart for their failures. I can’t live anyone’s life for them. I can only offer comfort and guidance based on what I know – and in that moment, I know those two parents were feeling nothing but love for their child… I reminded them to breathe. To look at each other and notice the strength and the care and the kindness overflowing from each of them. I reminded them that they were no good to anyone if they didn’t also take care of themselves. My friend, I don’t know what battles you face, or what lies ahead for you. I do know that you are not alone. I know that you are amazing and strong and kind in ways that no one may ever realize, but YOU realize it. Amid the criticizing you do, remember to also forgive yourself. Do it now, and five minutes from now, and for the rest of your days. You deserve it. Series Navigation<< Solstice Greetings from the SofaHow to Never Run Out of Love >>

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